I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
