Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
