Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
