U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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