I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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