seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
