Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
