Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
