dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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