Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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