you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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