A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My ass is underappreciated
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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