i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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