just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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