I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Randomize
