The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
