I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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