remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
How naked do you want me to be?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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