hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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