just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
