drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
