I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
