11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Randomize
