i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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