im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We left the knife in your bed.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Randomize
