You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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