I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
