Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
