who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
