she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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