My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Help. Why am I so naked?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
