u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
