Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
