I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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