Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
