WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
