I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
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