It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
