Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
