I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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