I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
where are you?
Hypothermia
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
