Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
