I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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