the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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