I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
