Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I would ride that face into the sunset
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
