Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
