Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
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