The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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