Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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